…life's patterns.

When I moved to New York I was thinking. I was aware and in the moment. I was READING. I was improving myself, and it was working. Life was new and I was new and there was nothing that I couldn't do. The world was beautiful.

My old existential habits (meaning habits relating to my existence, rather than habits relating to the existentialist philosophy) have caught up with me. I've gotten repetitive and frightened and small. This is inkeeping with the pattern of my previous life. I move to a new place, I AM new, some time goes by, conflicts arise and I am used up. In my formative years this happened every year or so.

I am now well into my second year in New York. I have lost my momentum, as predicted, but I am determined to get it back. I am too interesting, this city is too interesting, for me to simply stop. I hate this pattern and I WILL break out of it.

That's all for now.

... seeing. (Brecht)

Of no account at all

How you look

But what you have seen

And what you reveal does count

It is worth knowing what you know

They will watch you

To see how well you have watched

But one who observes only himself

Gains no knowledge of men

From himself he hides too much of himself

And no man is wiser than he has become

Therefore your training must begin among

The lives of other people

Make your first school

The place you work in, your home,

The district to which you belong,

The shop, the street, the train

Observe each one you set eyes upon

Observe strangers as if they were familiar

And those whom you know as if they were strangers

--Brecht

...truth.

Today is the first day of my period.

Ice cream will neutralize garlic breath.

I have an overpowering desire to be physically close to you.

That is not as romantic as it sounds.

That "you" is plural.

Today I fell on the sidewalk.

I lay flat on my back for all of 10 seconds.

Some awkward moments are funniest when no one is laughing.

I take garlic supplements 4 times a day.

I am having ice cream for dinner.

I am having dinner at 10:32pm.

I have an overpowering desire to urinate.

That is even less romantic than it sounds.

"In the end [truth] is a woman: she should not be violated." -- Nietzsche

The Life Cycle of Chelsea Vance

I don't want to watch a movie, I want to think.

I don't want to think, I want to do things.

I don't want to do anything, I just want to watch a movie.

...time

From my Black Swan Creative notebook of doom:

We exist on the knife-edge of the future. Not just figuratively, but in a very real and literal sense.
... On second thought, that's a stupid idea.

20:02

...ow

This is the second time I've minorly concussed myself at work. I think it's making me stupid.

... image.

"'When you have lived as long as I, you will see that every human being has his shell, and that you must take the shell into account. [...] There is no such thing as an isolated man or woman; we are each of us made up of a cluster of appurtenances. What do you call one's self? [...] I know that a large part of myself is in the dresses I choose to wear. I have a great respect for things! One's self – for other people – is one's expression of one's self; and one's house, one's clothes, the books one reads, the company one keeps – these things are all expressive.'
[...]
'I don't agree with you,' [Isabel] said. 'I think just the other way. I don't know whether I succeed in expressing myself, but I know that nothing else expresses me. Nothing that belongs to me is any measure of me; on the contrary, it's a limit, a barrier, and a perfectly arbitrary one. Certainly, the clothes which, as you say, I choose to wear, don't express me; and heaven forbid they should!'"
– Henry James, The Portrait of a Lady


This caught my attention as I recently had almost this exact exchange with a friend of mine. I tend to take the latter position, but, especially as it's laid out here, I feel pretty strongly ambivalent about this debate. I suppose that's indicative of my history with myself. I've spent the last "age" of my life learning to dissociate my sense of self from superficial or inanimate things. But that world view can get to be a bit passive. Perhaps passive isn't the exact word I want. I'll try to explain.

The passivity comes from a disinclination to give a hoot about outward appearances, I suppose. I don't always portray myself in the best light because my apartment, my clothes, whether I washed my hair today, even what mood I'm in at any given moment; to my mind these things are not representative of who I am. I view my "self" as the subtext, the idea behind the words. Words themselves can be limiting, and can be as much a barrier to communication as they are a help.

That being said, words are a help. Obviously my ideas would not be communicated at all without the help of words. So, with that analogy in mind, I'm entering into a period of learning how to better express and present myself. It's a very interesting creative challenge. I think ultimately the important thing is to try to match the internal self with the presented external self as much as possible. Over all I still land on the side of "you are not your fucking khakis,"but I have certainly taken my image more into account lately. I often feel misunderstood, and although that's bound to happen no matter what, it may happen less if I'm more careful about the way I express and present myself.

However, I guarantee I will still have days when I go to the grocery store in my pajamas. And maybe that's part of the image I want to convey. That I'm someone who is capable of articulate self-expression in every aspect of my life, but I'm also not that uptight about it.

I welcome feedback on this topic, and I'd be very interested to know how you the readers approach this issue in your own lives.